08 - Real Beavestory, vol. 1

Dear Internet Diary,

Reckon I may as well tell ya’ll about ancient beaver history, beavestory for short.

Some of the first pieces of beaver literature carried at The Lodge were volumes 1 & 2 of “Real Beavestory”. (Pictures of volume 1 below.)

In this B.LOG post, I will explain more thoroughly. Now, this is the real beavestory they won’t teach in human school. My source? Well, you see, my last name is Beaver. 

My lineage is pre-beavestoric, tracing back to the very first beavers that roamed this Earth. The story of our family and all of beaverdom has been passed down from great-grand-beave to great-grand-beave. When I was a wee-little beave, my grandfather, Lodger Beaver Jr., took me to read ancient texts from one of the archival-logs, of which only a few remain. There are six known locations with Beaver archival-logs: Antarctica, the Nile River in Luxor, Egypt, the Pigeon River in Tennessee, the Yangtze river in Rongchengzhen, China, somewhere in the Brazilian Amazon. The sixth location remains unknown. Many beavers are diligently working on putting together a database and tracking all of these ancient texts. 

In these B.LOGS and at The Lodge, I will share what I know. 

During the Triassic Era, about 230 million years ago, before continental drift broke apart Earth’s one landmass, giant Beavers beaved. Fossil records from what would have been the southern tip of Pangea showed Beavers as tall as a 40-foot Saltasaurus. Giant Beavers thrived in the humid and warm climate and began engineering elaborate colonies and networks that drastically increased their water supply. 

Flash forward 165 million years or so, and we encounter a big problem, for some. The same asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs brought beavers some good fortune. First, it created a protective wall around the southern tip, later becoming the South Pole. Second, it brought some outer space hitchhikers (more of that in volume 2). Thirdly, the series of events that followed impact ensured a pathway for Beavers to become keystone species, in several million years. 

Somewhere in the mid-Paleogene Period, there was a divisive crack in the protective ice wall.* Beavers began to explore other land masses, spreading to all corners of the globe. If you trace most animals far back enough, don’t be surprised to find that they originated from Beavers.  

xoxo,

Beaverella Beaver

August 30th, 2026

 *Correction from the printed zine, which miswrote the “Paleogene Period” as the “Triassic Era”. The Great Schism happened roughly 30 million years ago during the Cenozoic Era.